Who Killed My Dad?

By Dorothy Mitchell

My father is not in the best of health right now, but he is getting better. The primary spiritual culprit behind the attacks on his health was found a little while ago.

So it puzzled me that this month in August/Elul I began repeatedly hearing a lyric from the notorious anime Kill la Kill, a show that, in a nutshell, follows a girl on a quest to avenge her father’s murder (and stumbles on a piece of rejected armor): I’ve got to find out who killed my dad; I hear the voice of you in my mind...

As I pondered this all month, I assumed that God was saying I needed to figure out who or what had been plotting against my earthly father, but finally it dawned on me that perhaps I was wrong. He might have been talking about himself. I accepted Jesus and asked God to adopt me into his family a long time ago, so God is also my Father. Jesus knew him as Father and taught us to pray to him as Abba (Daddy) so we could know him as Abba Father.

God wants to be close to us. Sometimes, the enemy of our souls plots against God through us. The easiest way to get to us is not to let any relationship begin in the first place. Sowing doubt and sabotaging trust and relationship in us as early as possible makes sense to the rebellious ones. That’s what would surely hurt him most.

I spent a good deal of my early life acting and feeling loyal but detached from God, as if God were dead, uncaring, unreachable, immovable — the unknowable, ineffable, deist watchmaker god. But who gave me that idea? Who told me he was dead? Who deceived me and killed his image in my mind, and made it so I couldn’t approach him as Father, let alone as Daddy? Sure, the culture put words to the idea, and egged it on, and sure, my own earthly father wasn’t perfect. But it was completely blown out of proportion.

God’s not dead, he’s surely alive! He’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion...!

I also assumed that it was ME who needed to figure this out. But I think I was wrong. I realized that God has his own detectives (I’ve seen him deploy them); I merely needed to give him permission to use them.

Father God, I ask you to find all those culprits, plotters, and schemers who attempted to poison your image and sow discord and distrust into my relationship with you. Release your divine detectives. Track all sabotage back to its source. Account for every blow dealt against me and my earthly father and the fathers before him on earth and between earth and heaven in an attempt to distort relationship between me and my heavenly Father God. I ask you to take the culprits to court and deal with them most harshly. I give you my record of wrongs and ask you to get justice for me. I am sorry for any way in which I agreed with them knowingly or unknowingly. I renounce them completely. You are a good father. You are my good daddy. You are love. I reject all false blueprints or mappings that were superimposed over your image in my heart. Please tear them down and take them away. I want to know you, God, the way Jesus knew you, too.

On Judging Angels

By Dorothy Mitchell

Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! (1 Corinthians 6:2-3 ESV).

Do you find this passage intimidating? I do. It calls and reminds me to be holy, blameless, kind, and loving justice and mercy. What do I know of angels, other than that they are servants of the King of Kings? Although I have grown to see them more often, I know precious little of their world or their tasks. How could I consider myself qualified for this task? How would I know whether they did well, or poorly? And why would Paul admonish the church to think of itself in this role?

But what if — what if we were already doing our jobs? Our souls are quick to judge! We do it almost automatically, without thinking. And while there certainly are times when we need to rein in our souls, maybe we don’t need to overthink this verse quite so much. We can approach our roles with confidence and intention, without being too bold. Here’s why I think so.

On October 10th, 2021, I awoke from a dream that illuminated this ordinary sense of what it means to judge angels.

In the dream, I watched a similar scenario replay again and again: a scene at most, a single beat in the context of a larger plot. A satellite filled with explosives and power had unexpectedly dropped out of orbit — purposely dislodged and booby-trapped by the Enemy. It had enormous destructive power ready to release on impact with the Earth. Where the falling satellite was poised to land and what a small hard-working team of earth and space defenders did to contain the damage and preserve human life was different every time, so the outcome varied greatly. Sometimes the defense team was able to divert the satellite to land in the ocean or the countryside. Sometimes they were able to slow its descent, or if it was still too close to a city, to land it on top of a bridge or an evacuated building. Always, they managed to avert the worst of the disaster and spare human life, infrastructure, and livelihood to a greater or lesser extent.

I became aware that other people were watching these scenarios with me. They were believers I knew who did not realize that the events they were watching were supernaturally shaped, and that what they saw was truth, not entertainment or fiction. They freely and animatedly discussed each scene as if it were a complete and engrossing movie, rating and critiquing each iteration of it. They judged the beauty and impressiveness of the final explosion, and how big the resulting blast was, as if they were special effects. They judged the success of the mission and the loss of human life relative to the other scenarios and to the loss of life, if the defense team had done nothing. They critiqued the team’s cooperation, plans, and strategies, and suggested improvements in efficiency and efficacy. The believers applied their own knowledge as chemists, engineers, and lovers of space to the problem, and discussed among themselves why this tool or technology or action would be viable, or not viable, if the defense team had tried it instead. Their final assessment was usually satisfied appreciation.

Whether they believe that God and his angels are involved in world events or not, people constantly sit in judgment of world events, such as COVID-19, famine, or war, or earthly cataclysms like earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, or fires. When believers look at history and current events, we often marvel at how close humanity came to devastation — but didn’t — or disaster struck, but not as badly as it could have. We discuss these things with each other. Sometimes we are so amazed and in awe that we give thanks to God. In gratitude, we refer to the Jewish concept of dayenu: if he had done this much, it would have been enough. And many times, he does more. With these words, we do implicitly judge the efforts and activities of the angels based on the outcomes that we can see.

When we think of judging, I think a lot of us default to thinking of a grading scale from A to F, or 1-5 stars, of good to bad or right to wrong.

But if we switch to the paradigm of the household of the King, one of our privileges as sons is to report on how well the servants are doing. We can ask for their discipline, yes, but that may be called for rarely! Far more often, we might recommend them for promotion, request backup, or just put in a good word for them. Because even if we can’t tell what might have been done differently or better, though we may feel unqualified, we usually know intuitively when something has gone unusually very, very right. When we don’t know what else to say, we can celebrate, honor, and affirm them! “Wow, that was hard work! I’ve noticed you have been posted there a long time. Can we intercede for you to get some rest and relief?”

Word cloud generated at ABCYA.com.

There are many positive, encouraging words: genius, quick, right on time, comforting, encouraging, helpful. Our appreciation and our praise serves as a kind of judgment. Even more directly, we can say, Good job. Well done.

We can relax because the final decision is not our responsibility. So let the judging begin! While we put in our two cents, it is up to the Master to decide on their actual wages and rewards.

Out of Religion, Into Relationship: Part 2

By Dorothy Mitchell

Continuing the story of my journey into an experiential relationship with God.

The Turning Point. My existential distress during my college years came to a head in an unexpected way. I can’t even explain why what happened hit me so hard. At the time, I was living in a dorm for women in the center of campus that had an unofficial reputation for being the virgin dorm.

One day, I was studying in my room when a girl raced down the hall pursued by a pack of boys, who cornered her just outside my door while one of the boys pressured the girl for a date. (Ironically, the boy was in the same religion class that pushed me to familiarize myself with the branches of Christianity I had not been exposed to before, which for me were Pentecostal and Charismatic churches.) Alarmed, I propped my door open in an attempt to give the girl an escape. She did not take it, but succumbed to the pressure and gave the boy her number.

I am not usually an impulsive person, but on this occasion I was so angry I was ready to run out and do something rash. However, the girl did not want anyone to retaliate on her behalf. I filed a report, honoring her choice, but inwardly I wrestled with my anger and my impotence, pursuing justice solely on paper. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I cried out to God that my ways were not working; I had tried everything in my own strength and had failed to change myself one iota. I had no resilience. I could not cope with my moody, whiplash emotions or the pressures I put on myself. I needed God to change my life and my heart so I could live in the way Jesus had promised.

I did not receive any answer at that time, but soon after, my mom was introduced to the process of HeartSync, and I sensed this might be the tool that I needed in order to change. I was also introduced to Silicon Valley Healing Rooms, where I felt the undeniable presence of God for the first time and began to learn how to listen and hear from God by seeking words of knowledge before praying for physical healing. In the years since, other gifts and modes of communication unlocked: tongues, discernment, and dancing. More importantly, my inner stability and foundation in Christ has become more and more firm.

I have continued to seek God, listen for his voice, receive ministry for the shattered and broken pieces of my heart, and renounce the vows of religion and stoicism that captured me. It has been my pleasure to engage with and learn from teachers, evangelists, healers, and prophets from a great many ministries. It is my honor and joy now to help others restore the lines of communication in a living relationship with our Living God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit in their many roles as Father, Friend, Shepherd, Banner, Defender, King, Teacher, and Creator.

There is hope for you, too. Check out our appointment options for connecting you to the Source of Hope here.

Out of Religion, Into Relationship: Part 1

By Dorothy Mitchell

This is the story of my journey to wholehearted healing and connection.

The Setup. I grew up in a very small evangelical church with liberal leanings relative to the rest of the Church of Christ denomination. They embraced women as capable leaders, deacons, teachers, and servants within the church partly out of necessity because of their small population, but also out of general Bible study and local professional attitudes. The church denominational theology was organized around the cessationist premise that the gifts of the Holy Spirit ceased after the time of the first apostles. My congregation neither endorsed nor repudiated that belief directly, and I had no experience or knowledge that would cause me to question that premise or its effects.

Dorothy drinking from the old church fountain

Although the church hesitantly leaned in the direction of the Holy Spirit more and more as the years went on, the endeavor was of the cautious-blind leading the cautious-blind. We didn’t know that agreements in the spirit stick around until they are explicitly refuted or put down. We had very little grid for God’s heavenly kingdom and great fear of passion, mysticism, and the unknown.

Deep in my heart, I knew the spiritual world was real. I knew some people heard God and had a personal relationship with Jesus. Yet I could not seem to grasp it for myself. I grew increasingly disenchanted and frustrated with the evangelical world’s flat take on a seemingly one-sided relationship with a Jesus who could not talk back. Though I agreed in theory that such a relationship was crucial to my Christian walk, I could not make mine come alive, and no one seemed equipped to teach me how to make it bi-directional and real. Prayer felt very close to useless. But Holy Spirit had plans to guide me deeper.

The Commitment. I had always known I wanted to be baptized someday, but I felt I could not make the commitment in good conscience until I felt that I was willing to give my whole life to follow Jesus. One night I had a dream that I knew came from the Holy Spirit. I saw a white and purple flag featuring the dove of the Holy Spirit waving in my dream. In the dream, I was teaching some children about Jesus, who stood behind them. The children confronted me and asked me how I could teach them about him if I had not committed and was not baptized myself?

When I woke up, I knew it was time.

I felt nothing in particular during the baptism event, but Holy Spirit began to show me things. One time he even downloaded an entire parable to me. While I was applying to college, I would idly ask God where I would be in the future and I would receive faint glimpses in the blink of an eye. Later in the year, I recognized myself in those places he showed me. This brought me reassurance about my purpose and my destiny. I did not want to assume I knew where God wanted to send me. Eventually, I settled on Hope College in Michigan where I could pursue creative writing, art, and Japanese in an environment that encouraged its students to grow in their Christian walk.

Finally, finally, I would be allowed to nourish my passions with people who also wanted to be in school, with people as motivated as myself! I fully expected to flourish, but instead I attained accolades and success without thriving. I was frequently too anxious to enjoy my freedom. I made many acquaintances but struggled to make strong friendships, which came lowest on my priority scale. I felt chronically battered and exhausted. I realized I had absorbed toxic expectations and habits from twelve years of school that I did not know how to unlearn. I continued to do my work and enjoyed my classes, but outside of class I felt something was dreadfully wrong. I did not know how to live as a whole human being.

Have you also experienced such an existential crisis? Stay tuned for the conclusion of this story of hope.

Pranked by the Wine of Jesus' Blood

By Dorothy Mitchell

Jesus is hilarious, and this true story is too good of an illustration not to share. I wrote the original draft on September 29, 2016, not long after I reached legal drinking age.

I woke up early from a dream. For the first time ever, I had been prompted to intercede on my own for another family! My heart was full of joy. After praying for them and praising God, I didn't want to go back to sleep, and I had hours to use at my leisure, so I waited until my parents got up and made pancakes. This process went suspiciously smoothly...

What I didn't know: Mom (that is, Susan) had replaced the bottle that has always held fruit syrup with some kind of fermented grape juice or wine. I poured some onto my pancake. Unlike syrup should be, it wasn’t viscous, and it sank in more than it should have. I cut off a slice, and sniffed. It smelled fermented. I took a tentative bite. It tasted very wrong and maybe a little...iron-y? What is it??? In the worst possible case it could be...blood?!!!

Oh no! I panicked! As I raced to the sink to spit it out and pray for cleansing, I could hardly get the words out and in the back of my mind I could hear Jesus laughing. I mean. Jesus. LAUGHED. (I found myself chuckling, too.)

Mid-turn of the water-faucet, I got ahold of myself and stopped. “Why are you laughing at me?!!” I asked him.

In a faux-hurt voice, Jesus said, “Well, why are you spitting me out? THAT’S my blood! And my body!” In other words, Relax. It’s just Me.

“I did what? Oh no!” My jaw dropped. “Oops! Jesus, I’m so sorry!!!”

Of course. The wine is his blood. The bread is his body. I had inadvertently taken the wine and the bread together. God knew exactly what I would do with my extra time and energy that morning. This had been a TOTAL SET-UP by the face of Jesus known as Yeshua Yayin ha’Dam, the Wine of Jesus’ Blood.

After recovering my wits, Mom confirmed that the bottle held wine. And I did finish my pancakes. Maybe the wine/blood link was stronger than I thought...

So that is how I accidentally took communion this morning. Thank you Jesus for your perfect sacrifice; I will never forget how you pranked me! >.<

At Estuary Courts, we love the practice of communion and we always take it whenever we enter his courts of Heaven. It is our way of reminding ourselves and the spirit realm: “Jesus is in us, and we are in him. We rely on his New Covenant…”

Hard-Wired for Love

By Dorothy Mitchell

Do you ever wonder, “Why don’t people feel safe around me? Why can’t we all just get along?”

Everyone wants to be loved. We are built to respond to and seek out love. Why then, in our desperation to be loved, do we push others away? How do things go wrong before a single word has been exchanged?

It’s because our heart, the largely subconscious parts of our mind, is divided and trying to protect its own integrity. Our heart gets wounded. In response to traumas experienced in relationship or in community, our heart may develop deep insecurities. These insecurities are held in our emotion parts, and they rouse the guardian parts of our heart to step up and protect us. Guardians that are on hyper-alert or easily triggered can create a hostile and unpredictable context for friendship. Insecurities also affect the way the function parts of our heart walk and talk and act.

Your intention of friendship may be pure, but others may perceive that the relational safety they require cannot be guaranteed should they make a mistake. Some people are good at reading into others’ words or body language, and other people may be forewarned in their spirit, and may even subconsciously step carefully around you or avoid provoking you. It takes a mature guardian and a mature heart to be able to approach an insecure person with an immature guardian and relate and minister to them. Even then, some boundaries are needed.

Tensions. Sometimes two people have guardians with mutually incompatible ways of protecting the heart. One person’s penchant for yelling when upset is not compatible with another’s need to process conflict in silence. One guardian’s alarm is fed by seeing alarm in another guardian, and the two guardians’ hackles begin to raise at the same time—like two suspicious animals circling and readying for an imminent fight! When this happens, we could follow HeartSync founder Andrew Miller’s example in admitting, “my guardians don’t like your guardians.”

When I was at my most wounded, I had a habit of saying, “I would hate to meet myself. I don’t think we would get along.” At the time, this was probably true. One of the first people I was assigned to receive HeartSync ministry from was very much like me, and she was very competent at facilitating a HeartSync session while her ‘Original Self’ was in charge. But outside of a session, I could not understand why I was so nervous and tense around her, and I hoped someone else would be assigned to help me. She was a very complex person; I was a very complex person. We respected each other, but we just didn’t get along without accidental ouchies, like two hedgehogs trying to hug. But the more healing we both get through our synchronization to Jesus, the more likely we are to be able to get along on this earthly plane.

Shortcuts. Another reason why instant fear or dislike may take place is because of the patterns that guardians have picked up on over time. Human beings have a natural ability to analyze, categorize, and sort experiences and encounters with people, animals, and objects, and associate “these things” with “those things.” The amygdala in our brain, which is associated with the guardian parts of our heart, is particularly devoted to assessing whether these experiences put you in contact with something good, bad, or scary. Instead of approaching every situation as if it were absolutely new, your brain will try to read into it according to the patterns it has perceived in the past. While undergoing trauma, using shortcuts like these may be vital for survival.

This is easy to see in abused animals, who react with fear or anger to people who match the profile of their old abusive master in their memories. These animals must be re-homed carefully. So too can our fear be easily transferred from one person to the next or from one context to the next. But here’s the good news: so can joy. When you have a memory of someone you trust who has been devoted and good to you, that joy, love, and trust can be transferred to people who remind you of them. Your guardians like their guardians, and you get on like a barn on fire!

Society has a way of instilling stereotypes into us; you may hear us call this “programming.” What you see, read, and hear on the news, or in the paper, in books, in movies, on social media, or from friends and family informs us about the world we live in. But these stories are not necessarily true or retold at a frequency that reflects reality, and they can erode our innocence over time. When feeling threatened or scared, we make a lot of snap judgments based on these stories. At worst, we inflict harm and perpetuate phobias and bigotries through these snap judgments in the forms of sexism, racism, ageism, ableism, paternalism, and so forth.

Although it is good to question stories and pursue education about the diversity of cultures, I believe that the ultimate deliverance from all these -isms can only be found in Christ Jesus, in whom we are enabled to see each other as the Father sees us. We cannot return to dovelike innocence or embrace an unencumbered snakelike canniness by our own strength. But if we repent and submit our biases to the Lord for judgment, he will surely help us.

Interrelated Parts. In a nutshell, we get wounded (heart/identity/original self), and then our insecurities (emotion) fuel our guardians to come out, which can create a hostile or unpredictable context for relationship, affecting how we act and talk (function), and how free or cautious our friends (guardians) feel around us and react to us. And when the world consequently feels unsafe, our hopes and dreams (original self) gets relegated to the backburner so that we survive instead of thrive. But Jesus called us to an abundant life. If you feel stuck, let us help you in a HeartSync appointment: https://www.estuarycourts.com/book.